On my way to Italy

Right now I am writting thanks to the internet connection on the ship. It is SLOW!!!! I mean, it takes me half the time to download one site... And the worst is, I am going with my mother. I cannot stand her. I really can't. I love her, but she always bosses me around. AND, she read my diary! I couldn't believe that! I had always been able to keep a diary because I trusted her.
This is going to be a LONG week...

How can this be??

I mean, it's not like I don't want to be happy. I mean, do. Want to be happy I mean. It's not like I enjoy being sad or anything. After all, that's what humans do right? They try to be happy.

And I DO want to be happy. I just don't know the way I guess. How am I supposed to be happy? And what for? Family? Friends? Love? (not that this exists in my life, to my disappointment.) I guess I don't know what I want. It can't be explained any other way. It's not money I want. not that I would have any problem if I did have them, but that's not what I want most. The thing is, I don't know what I want most. How can that be? How can I not know what I want? After all, if I don't, who does? I can't just press "help" button and get the help I need.

And that's the ridiculous part. Why would I want an assistant for MY life? What's wrong with me people??? How come I suddenly can't decide for myself? Why do I feel that I don't belong here?

And why do I have to feel that I'm needed, wanted, somewhere else?

Seriously, I make no sense.

I swear, my life is going to be the death of me.

Just kidding...

Sorry. I have a dark sense of humour. I hope I don't disturb you.

In any case. I need a reason. What am I asking for? One. Bloody. Reason. Is that so much? I need something to motivate me. If there's one my mother does, is get through to me. Not always of course. She doesn't do it when she tries. She does that the most unexpected moment.

And yes, she's the reason I'm writing this right now, the reason all this thoughts sank into my mind. She just did one simple. When I told her I that I don't care about school, that I'm not interested in what marks I take, she only said one thing: "What DO you care about? What are interested in?" And just like that, she touched me. Not the way the sweet sun does, but the way the way cold slips though your clothes upon your skin in winter, making you freeze to the marrow of the bone. It sound's kind of melodramatic, I know.

But the thing is, I realised something terrible. I don't care about something in particular. I'm not crazily chasing after something. I first I thought my existence was meaningless. And then I realised I was being stupid. How can life be meaningless? I haven't even gotten the chance to actually see the world. I don't really know anything outside of my cosy little world. Well, OK, I may not be really happy or anything, but that doesn't change the fact, that I don't know anything about other people's life.

I look at the stream of people walking by and wonder where they're off to. Do they have a reason? What could it? How did they choose?

How can I choose it? How is it going to affect my life?

What if I find out too late?

Blue day

Sometimes I just wish the world would fade and the feelings I have, both joy and sorrow, would vanish with the world. It's strange to explain. Sometimes even I don't get it. But I feel this unexplainable urge to just put an end to it. There are times when breathing alone is hard. Don't worry - if you do - I'm not some suicidal teen. I just don't feel that everything's okay. I am happy some times and ready to die some others, filled with shadow-like sorrow. In can't control my self anymore. It's difficult. Living with that woman. She makes it all much more difficult.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother - I just can't live with her. Being in the same place with her grieves me more. She makes it all too much difficult. So much more difficult. I'm choking in my own home. Can you believe this? The place that's supposed to make me feel better drowns me. sometimes it feels like lukewarm water and I'm drowning in it. It feels as if the world will come crushing down on me. I don't know why I feel this way, and, to be honest, I'm not supposed to. Feel that way I mean. I'm supposed to be happy. I mean, it's not like I don't have something. I have everything a person needs. Home, food and, perhaps, future.

That's one thing I'm not sure about. Future. Not what it hides but if it exists. It sounds stupid. I know. But that doesn't matter. I'm writing and no one knows who I am. It's...relieving. To know that you can talk even though no one will listen. It's better when someone's listening though. It feels that all you're saying are not wasted. I wonder. Will there ever be a person to whom I can speak, without being hidden behind a mask? A person I can talk to without any fear that he'll laugh? Will this insecurity ever go away? Will I ever feel free to laugh and dream knowing that there's a reason for that and it's not some facade in order not to show how weak I am and feel? Will this ever-lasting winter ever cease?

I hope there's someone out there for me.

I wish.

And I pray.

And dream.

If there is someone out there, I want him to dream of me, so that he'll search for me, like I'm searching for him.

And above all, I pray that we won't pass by each other without meeting.

For that will mean a lost opportunity. And sometimes that's all it takes. This one moment. This tiny moment when you lose that opportunity may change it all...

I pray and I wish

For someone to hold

Someone to love

Someone to whom I can cling to.

What a selfish person I am. Selfish and self-centred.