How can this be??

I mean, it's not like I don't want to be happy. I mean, do. Want to be happy I mean. It's not like I enjoy being sad or anything. After all, that's what humans do right? They try to be happy.

And I DO want to be happy. I just don't know the way I guess. How am I supposed to be happy? And what for? Family? Friends? Love? (not that this exists in my life, to my disappointment.) I guess I don't know what I want. It can't be explained any other way. It's not money I want. not that I would have any problem if I did have them, but that's not what I want most. The thing is, I don't know what I want most. How can that be? How can I not know what I want? After all, if I don't, who does? I can't just press "help" button and get the help I need.

And that's the ridiculous part. Why would I want an assistant for MY life? What's wrong with me people??? How come I suddenly can't decide for myself? Why do I feel that I don't belong here?

And why do I have to feel that I'm needed, wanted, somewhere else?

Seriously, I make no sense.

I swear, my life is going to be the death of me.

Just kidding...

Sorry. I have a dark sense of humour. I hope I don't disturb you.

In any case. I need a reason. What am I asking for? One. Bloody. Reason. Is that so much? I need something to motivate me. If there's one my mother does, is get through to me. Not always of course. She doesn't do it when she tries. She does that the most unexpected moment.

And yes, she's the reason I'm writing this right now, the reason all this thoughts sank into my mind. She just did one simple. When I told her I that I don't care about school, that I'm not interested in what marks I take, she only said one thing: "What DO you care about? What are interested in?" And just like that, she touched me. Not the way the sweet sun does, but the way the way cold slips though your clothes upon your skin in winter, making you freeze to the marrow of the bone. It sound's kind of melodramatic, I know.

But the thing is, I realised something terrible. I don't care about something in particular. I'm not crazily chasing after something. I first I thought my existence was meaningless. And then I realised I was being stupid. How can life be meaningless? I haven't even gotten the chance to actually see the world. I don't really know anything outside of my cosy little world. Well, OK, I may not be really happy or anything, but that doesn't change the fact, that I don't know anything about other people's life.

I look at the stream of people walking by and wonder where they're off to. Do they have a reason? What could it? How did they choose?

How can I choose it? How is it going to affect my life?

What if I find out too late?