Blue day

Sometimes I just wish the world would fade and the feelings I have, both joy and sorrow, would vanish with the world. It's strange to explain. Sometimes even I don't get it. But I feel this unexplainable urge to just put an end to it. There are times when breathing alone is hard. Don't worry - if you do - I'm not some suicidal teen. I just don't feel that everything's okay. I am happy some times and ready to die some others, filled with shadow-like sorrow. In can't control my self anymore. It's difficult. Living with that woman. She makes it all much more difficult.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother - I just can't live with her. Being in the same place with her grieves me more. She makes it all too much difficult. So much more difficult. I'm choking in my own home. Can you believe this? The place that's supposed to make me feel better drowns me. sometimes it feels like lukewarm water and I'm drowning in it. It feels as if the world will come crushing down on me. I don't know why I feel this way, and, to be honest, I'm not supposed to. Feel that way I mean. I'm supposed to be happy. I mean, it's not like I don't have something. I have everything a person needs. Home, food and, perhaps, future.

That's one thing I'm not sure about. Future. Not what it hides but if it exists. It sounds stupid. I know. But that doesn't matter. I'm writing and no one knows who I am. It's...relieving. To know that you can talk even though no one will listen. It's better when someone's listening though. It feels that all you're saying are not wasted. I wonder. Will there ever be a person to whom I can speak, without being hidden behind a mask? A person I can talk to without any fear that he'll laugh? Will this insecurity ever go away? Will I ever feel free to laugh and dream knowing that there's a reason for that and it's not some facade in order not to show how weak I am and feel? Will this ever-lasting winter ever cease?

I hope there's someone out there for me.

I wish.

And I pray.

And dream.

If there is someone out there, I want him to dream of me, so that he'll search for me, like I'm searching for him.

And above all, I pray that we won't pass by each other without meeting.

For that will mean a lost opportunity. And sometimes that's all it takes. This one moment. This tiny moment when you lose that opportunity may change it all...

I pray and I wish

For someone to hold

Someone to love

Someone to whom I can cling to.

What a selfish person I am. Selfish and self-centred.